“So I was just looking at joining this new program, have you heard of it?”

I was sitting across from one of my good friends, a former client turned business bestie turned IRL friend, talking about our businesses and the things we were seeing in the online world, when I felt the pang of not-enoughness flush across my face.

“Oh, yeah… I’ve heard of it, but I actually don’t follow her,” I took a gulp of water as my friend tilted her head, confused. “I just… whenever I see her stuff, it reminds me too much of me. Of the things I say… don’t want to be too influenced by that.”

The deeper truth, though, was in the words unsaid. Reading what this creator wrote did remind me of my own work, except better.

It reminded me of the things I thought, but hadn’t had the discipline or motivation to put out into the world.

It reminded me of who I wanted to be, but truly, deeply wasn’t being.

Whenever I saw their emails, their posts, or even the way they were spoken about by other folks online, I was filled with envy. Locked into a battle that anyone who has ever attended high school, introduced themselves at a retreat or mastermind, or run a business online knows all too well…

The Battle of Comparison.

But when I first started my business, I didn’t have a huge list of wants or things I felt like I needed to belong or to have ‘made it.’

Paying my bills with work that felt life-giving instead of life-draining, plus having more control over my time so I could get to therapy and teach or practice yoga when I wanted was basically it.

Within my first year, the list grew.

I needed my first $10k month (I was making $275). I needed 10,000 followers on Instagram (I had under 200).

I needed an OBM and a fancy AF photoshoot and to be part of a mastermind where I went on retreats and could share that on social media.

I had none of those things, much less the money to be able to afford those things, but it felt like if I didn’t have them, then I couldn’t be successful.

I felt like without those things, I wasn’t legit. I wasn’t a real business owner. I felt like I wasn’t enough, and every time I opened my phone came with a new opportunity to compare myself to another founder who was.

And once that door opened, I couldn’t close it.

It started small. An Instagram story here, a newsletter there. Just staying informed, I told myself. Just seeing what was working in the market. That’s good business, right? It’s what a legit founder would do.

But then I’d find myself deep into someone’s launch, obsessing over their every move. I’d screenshot their captions, bookmark their websites, save their posts to a folder I’d never look at again but felt like I needed just in case. Not to copy, but to ‘get inspired’. To make sure the ideas I had and the content I created could live up to all the things I was comparing myself to.

I rewrote my bio four times in two months. Not because my work had changed drastically (or at all), but because I kept seeing other founders describe what they did in ways that felt… shinier. More clear. More something than what I had.

My mornings stopped being for creating and started being for consuming. I’d open my laptop with a plan to write, and somehow end up forty-five minutes deep in someone’s website, their Instagram feed, their podcast, trying to figure out what made them them so I could figure out how to make me me.

But inside of all of this comparison, I wasn’t becoming more me. I was losing myself, not to mention shredding any sense of confidence or pride in my own work.

I knew I shouldn’t be spending all of this time and effort looking at other people and measuring my work against theirs, but I felt like I couldn’t stop myself.

Almost like I had to look, just to get myself the info I needed to make sure I would measure up.

That’s where comparison gets us; in the modern, world, our social standing really can feel like something required for our survival. And in the business world, being someone cool, someone well-liked and talked about, someone seen as an industry leader, someone who gets mentioned in rooms and recommendations, who gets invited to podcasts, who sells out programs and is celebrated and adored for their success… that impacts your bottom line.

So while sure, we all know it’s not healthy or helpful to compare ourselves (or our businesses, our offers, our marketing content…) to other folks, truth is that comparison is a natural thing… especially when the stakes are this high.

This isn’t just about being the cool one at school, it’s about having the reputation that allows you to sell out offers and fund your ideal life, about having the creative and social capital required to succeed in an attention economy, and about having the degree of impact required to feel fulfilled in your work.

Comparison happens because all of this feels like, and is, a really big deal.

I say that because I really, deeply want to dissolve any shame or embarrassment you’ve ever felt about comparing yourself against someone else.

‘Cause once we dissolve the shame, we can start using the envy or judgment that sparks the comparison to guide our next steps.

But as long as shame exists, comparison ends up costing us a lot, starting with…

The Story You Tell Yourself →they’re doing it better, so mine doesn’t matter. I’m not original enough. I need all those things before I’m legit. Why did they say that so much better? Wait… I post like the same shit, why does everyone like that and not when I post the same thing?! Everyone else has it figured out and I’m still fumbling. WTF is wrong with me? That’s what I think, say, do… why didn’t I just post that first?

Which Leads to The Action You Take →Consuming instead of creating. Rewriting your messaging every time you see someone else’s. Abandoning solid ideas because they don’t feel novel enough. Investing in surface-level things (the photoshoot, the mastermind, the rebrand) instead of the foundations that actually grow your business. Not launching because it doesn’t feel ready/good enough/different enough. Hiding… not posting, not pitching, not selling… because nothing feels good enough. Then flipping out when you see things that remind you of what you do want to share.

And Causes The Ripple Effect →Lost momentum and creative flow. A scattered, inauthentic brand that doesn’t feel like you, doesn’t showcase your genius. You never build the marketing ecosystem that’s uniquely yours—the one that would actually attract your ideal clients. Invisible marketing because you’re overthinking too much to show up… and your revenue stays inconsistent because you’re not consistently showing up. Financial stress from keeping up with what you think you “need.” Burnout from trying to be everyone else.

Comparison cost me tens of thousands of dollars, both in money spent and money not made while I was busy judging how I measured up instead of selling, delivering, and iterating better and better offers. And while I really hope it hasn’t cost you quite that much, I’m willing to bet its cost you a good bit, whether in dollars or energy or brain space, too.

But when we’re surrounded by social media updates on other businesses, what are we supposed to do?

Most of the advice around comparison out there acts like it’s a discipline or confidence issue.

Like… just stay in your own lane. Remember, there’s room for everyone. Comparison is the thief of joy, blah blah blah.

Yes, all of that holds true. But when you see someone else writing words that sound like yours, but better… or someone who has the exact business model, or someone who sold out an offer just like the one you’re trying to sell… that shit cuts deep.

And trying to ‘stay in your own lane’ feels like trying to put a bandaid on a gash that really needs stitches.

‘Cause comparison isn’t just happening in your mind. It’s happening in your whole being, in all parts of your nervous system.

When you’re in comparison mode, your body is in a constant state of threat assessment and surveillance. You’re scanning your environment for proof of your standing, your worth, your right to be here.

Your nervous system, sweet product of evolution that it is, can’t tell the difference between “this person has more followers than me” and “I’m not safe in this tribe.” To your body, being seen as less-than threatens your belonging… even if the only person who’s actually seeing you as less-than is you.

And belonging, evolutionarily speaking, is survival.

So you’re not being dramatic when comparison feels urgent and all-consuming. Your nervous system genuinely thinks it’s keeping you safe by monitoring everyone else’s moves, by making sure you measure up, by gathering all the intel about what “success” is supposed to look like.

Unfortunately, while your brain shifts gears to managing all of that, you lose access to the parts of your brain and being that help you generate new ideas.

The second you start comparing yourself, you start to create a self-fulfilling prophecy where your work truly isn’t as good as you know it could be. Where it really doesn’t stand out in the crowd. Where it really doesn’t do your genius justice… much less bring in new clients.

But trying to address comparison as just a confidence issue misses a deeper root cause… we don’t just compare ourselves to make sure we can belong, but to help us make decisions about what to sell, when, where and how.

Think about it: when you wake up every day and have to figure out what to post, where to post it, what to sell, how to sell it, whether this strategy is the right one… of COURSE you end up looking at what everyone else is doing, right?

You’re not looking because you’re insecure… at least not most of the time. You’re looking because you need a framework to make decisions within. You need structure. Direction. A plan.

So you start looking for ideas, and end up in comparison.

That’s why unfollowing everyone or “staying in your own lane” doesn’t actually work. Because the problem isn’t that you’re seeing their content. The problem is that without your own clear structure for how you show up, sell, and connect with your people, you’re vulnerable to being pulled off course every single time you open your phone.

When you have that structure?

Comparison loses its chokehold.

Not because you suddenly have bulletproof confidence (cause honestly, confidence is kind of bullshit—you get it by doing the thing, not before). But because you have your own North Star. Your own ecosystem. Your own way of doing this that actually works for you and your business.

And when you have something that works? It doesn’t hit as hard when you see someone else’s brilliant launch or perfect post.

Sure, you might still feel a pang. But instead of spiraling into “maybe I should do it like that,” you can appreciate it, note any true lessons, and move on. Because you already know what you’re doing. You already have a plan.

The comparison doesn’t derail you because there’s something solid to come back to.

This is part of why inside The Empathy Edge, we build your marketing ecosystem alongside the nervous system support. Because you need both. You need the capacity to feel the comparison without shutting down, AND you need the structure that keeps you from having to figure it out from scratch every damn day.

When you have those two pieces working together? You stop disappearing into other people’s content and start building your own thing. The thing that actually brings in clients. The thing that actually feels like you. The thing that makes you feel legit without any external validation.

I'm dropping a companion episode on The Resonance Effect later this week with a practice to help you work through comparison in real-time. I'll send a note when it's live.

x

CQ

PS The Empathy Edge is a 6 month 1:1 retainer for service-based founders who want their own marketing ecosystem + the nervous system support to actually use it. When you start now, we’ll have your unique marketing plan mapped and running before the new year. Get the details here.

WEBSITE​​ | CHELSEA'S INSTAGRAM | BOOK A SALES SPRINT | WORK WITH ME 1:1